


uncertainties

by osakiss



Category: Twisted-Wonderland (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Trauma, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Self-Doubt, Self-Indulgent, id imagine being kidnapped more than 10 times would leave you traumatized
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:49:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27726418
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/osakiss/pseuds/osakiss
Summary: Kalim contemplates what he should to help Jamil.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 29





	uncertainties

**Author's Note:**

> i guess a continuation of cast aside ??? truthfully this is just me making kalim suffer more bc. im Mean

Kalim sat in his bed, the night sky filtering through the pillars in his room. He sat hunched over, his arms atop his knees as he contemplated the events of that day once again. It’s been weeks since Jamil overblotted, but Kalim couldn’t get the words Jamil said to him out of his mind. 

Jamil had been plotting for his demise all along. The person he trusted the most, the one person he believed to never betray him. As a child, he’s had many attempts against his life, by strangers and those he considered to be friends alike. Betrayal was to be expected. Assassination attempts were to be expected. Kidnapping was to be expected. “The fate of the Al-Asim heir.” Or so he’s been told, so many times by both Jamil and his own father. Though, Kalim did not complain. Who was he to object to his fate? 

But even then, it was lonely. The thought that the people he opened his heart to would come to betray him was a thought that did not leave Kalim, as much as he hated doubting the people he spoke to. He smiled, and treated them like he would his younger siblings, despite the nagging in the back of his head that these people he was being kind to would try to use that against him. Being the eldest of the family meant he had to look after them as well, listening to their troubles and trying to carry their burden with him. Helping people made Kalim happy, but it did nothing for the burden he carried himself. 

Any emotional turmoil Kalim faced, whether due to the fear of being killed by those he cared for, or waking up somewhere that isn’t his own home was meant to be sealed within himself and go nowhere else. He forgot them during the day, opting for being careless and cheerful to help those around him, but with nightfall came his own monsters. Kalim was able to stay strong and keep up his head during the times where he was taken captive due to unwavering faith in his family and Jamil. That he would be saved by them, no matter how scary things were then, and that Jamil was there fretting over him. He had to be okay for them.

_“It’s no use trying to sugar coat things. I’ve wished, every single day, for you to just disappear.”_

Those times when he was kidnapped, was Jamil secretly hoping they had killed him in that time? Was he disappointed each time Kalim appeared in front of him, smiling and hugging him? Those times when he had gotten poisoned and laid in bed for months on end, was Jamil hoping he would finally pass away in that time?

Just how much of Jamil’s happiness had Kalim taken away?

Jamil had to suffer constantly due to Kalim. Always arranging things for him, helping him, subduing himself and his own desires in order to make Kalim seem excellent, having to put his head down and listen to Kalim, and going on each of his whims. Even falling into a coma himself when poison testing food for Kalim. After all, who could possibly want to risk their life for someone they despised? Kalim always appreciated all the work Jamil did for him, calling him his best friend. Friends help each other out after all, and carry the burden together. But Jamil was carrying it all by himself. It wasn’t Jamil’s fault, rather it was Kalim’s for never noticing what who he claimed to be his best friend was going through because of him.

_“The spell that binds me can’t be released just like that… as long as you exist in this world, Kalim!”_

Kalim always wanted to repay Jamil for everything he’s done for him. Even if he betrayed him, it doesn’t take away from all the good things Jamil did for him. It never took away from all the kindness he showed Kalim throughout these years, especially the feelings of hope instilled in Kalim. The smile he was able to show in the day was because Jamil was there to help him through the toughest times in his life, even if every tough time Jamil had was because of Kalim.

If Kalim existing in this world brought Jamil pain, then if he took himself out would Jamil finally be happy?

It was a scary thought, but nothing he hasn’t thought of before during these nights. When the pain got to be too much, Kalim wondered if ending it all would rid himself of the nightmares and the fears. But he knew there would be people who worried, people who would be upset if he was gone during those moments. Now? He wasn’t too sure, he wasn’t really sure about anything anymore. The absolute belief he had that Jamil would never betray him was shattered, and left with that were uncertainties and insecurities. 

Kalim decided to entertain the idea. If he was gone, then Jamil would be free from him, he said so himself. Though, if it were due to something like poisoning then perhaps Jamil would be beheaded for his negligence. That means it would need to be obvious it was a suicide, and that none of the blame was towards Jamil in order for him to be fully free from Kalim. 

How does one make a suicide obvious? Kalim thought maybe a suicide note would make it clear to them, and someone would be able to verify it was written by him and not some assassin forging his handwriting. If he wanted to pay Jamil back for everything he’s ever done for him, the best thing to do would be to die in a quiet manner and free him from the tasks that surround him in everyday life. Jamil would be the dorm head in his stead, and Scarabia would thrive. 

Kalim held his mouth as tears rolled down his cheeks, trying not to alert anyone that may be outside. The thought that the world was better off without him was devastating, only further increasing the ache in his chest. His body turned and his legs dangled above the floor before landing and approaching the bathroom. Quickly, he searched up the most vital areas in the human body.

He didn’t want a large mess for Jamil to clean up, that would only deter the purpose of this. He didn’t want to cause a large fuss, wanting to finally make Jamil happy. Kalim scribbled across a piece of paper, explaining he simply felt as though he truly wasn’t needed in this world. Kalim made sure to not mention a thing about Jamil, not wanting to incriminate him. The thought that this would be the last message made Kalim sad, and made him want to reach out to Jamil and apologize. To tell him everything. But he knew that was a bother, so he continued anyway. 

The box cutter was exactly where Kalim had last left it. At the time trying to cut something in his room but ended up cutting himself and rushing to the bathroom to wash off his hands, carrying the box cutter with him and leaving it next to him. Now, it had a new purpose.

Kalim really hoped he was doing the right thing.

**Author's Note:**

> ooc as fuck but this super self indulgent so please forgive meeeee~


End file.
